Will I ever feel normal again

I have started this blog post over and over trying to pin point the moment I started to not right, but I don’t think I can actually remember, from as far back as I can remember it has always been there. the first memory I have is when I was I think 12/13 and I had my first boyfriend, I was smitten with this guy who I had fallen for, first love and all that, and he would message me and say he was coming round to see me at a certain time and then not show up, then the time would change and change and change, until it got to the point where I was waiting at my mums bedroom window waiting for him to come, and then his phone would “die” and he wouldn’t turn up, I can’t describe how I felt but it was kind of let down but also a kind of like I wasn’t worth it.
in 2013 I gave birth to my first daughter, this beautiful amazing person now depended on me and I was so overwhelmed and scared and everything else just like any first mother, but something didn’t sit right, something felt wrong and weird and I didn’t feel myself at all, and I was diagnosed with post natal depression

Definition: depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.

My local surgery id like to say was a big help but they really weren’t, I was offered counselling which I did for one session and didn’t return, I couldn’t cope with how far they were digging into my past and it broke me to the point where I shut it off and I pushed it all back and forget about it. which is the worst thing to do.
after going to the doctors again and again asking for help to stop my thoughts spinning and to feel a sense of normality in my life they finally put me on Fluoxetine, which made me at first feel worse, but in the long run made me feel a little bit like myself. however when I feel pregnant again with my second daughter I had to stop taking the medication totally, I was spiralling and I didn’t have anyone to turn to. anxiety and depression can make you feel so alone. so lonely, and whenever you try and explain how you feel to someone you feel like you are begging for attention. which isn’t the case.
for myself, attention is the last thing I want, I constantly feel judged, and looked down on, I feel like people talk about me behind my back, and thats really the worst feeling in the world.
Anyway, after her birth, I was monitored and constantly asked how I was feeling and what meds I wanted to go on and what I wanted to do. I opted for the medication again, I was breastfeeding so was unable to go back on the one I was, so I was put on 50g of sertraline, this dosage for me didn’t do anything didn’t even strict the surface, i would panic when I left the house that something was going to go wrong, I remember this one time I left the house to go to b&m it was freezing cold so I placed my 1 month old in her snowsuit, and then in her car seat, the heating in my car was on as well, and when we were about 5 minutes from the shop she just would not stop crying, I remember thinking she’s okay, but reality is she wasn’t, when we pulled up in the car she was sweating so much that her clothes were wet through, in my head I had hurt her I didn’t deserve to be her mother and everyone around me was judging me, I didn’t want to drive home I didn’t want to get out the car and drive around I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted to sit there and hold her and make sure she was okay. I didn’t even go into the store in the end I drove home, and stayed at home and for about a week I didn’t leave the house, I refused to just incase I hurt her again. I would have thoughts not suicidal thoughts but thoughts like if I died tonight no-one would know and my children would be here and wouldn’t be able to do anything, I was then upped to 100g and then offed therapy. I’m doing good at the moment, on occasions I forget to take it, and I feel light headed, I feel sick and all I want to do is sleep, this is when I think to myself, the medication is controlling me controlling how I feel and I feel like a robot. I want to be able to go out and not be on the medication, I want to feel normal. I want my brain not to think at 100 miles per hour about everything that could go wrong and look at the positive side of things. but i’m scared I will never get to this point and I need to know things that I can do to help me.
before I get judged on here my kids are my world, I would do anything for them, I am a good mother and they will always be put first.

I have pretty much rambled in this whole blog post but I needed to get off my chest before my head exploded

until next time