Will I ever feel normal again

I have started this blog post over and over trying to pin point the moment I started to not right, but I don’t think I can actually remember, from as far back as I can remember it has always been there. the first memory I have is when I was I think 12/13 and I had my first boyfriend, I was smitten with this guy who I had fallen for, first love and all that, and he would message me and say he was coming round to see me at a certain time and then not show up, then the time would change and change and change, until it got to the point where I was waiting at my mums bedroom window waiting for him to come, and then his phone would “die” and he wouldn’t turn up, I can’t describe how I felt but it was kind of let down but also a kind of like I wasn’t worth it.
in 2013 I gave birth to my first daughter, this beautiful amazing person now depended on me and I was so overwhelmed and scared and everything else just like any first mother, but something didn’t sit right, something felt wrong and weird and I didn’t feel myself at all, and I was diagnosed with post natal depression

Definition: depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.

My local surgery id like to say was a big help but they really weren’t, I was offered counselling which I did for one session and didn’t return, I couldn’t cope with how far they were digging into my past and it broke me to the point where I shut it off and I pushed it all back and forget about it. which is the worst thing to do.
after going to the doctors again and again asking for help to stop my thoughts spinning and to feel a sense of normality in my life they finally put me on Fluoxetine, which made me at first feel worse, but in the long run made me feel a little bit like myself. however when I feel pregnant again with my second daughter I had to stop taking the medication totally, I was spiralling and I didn’t have anyone to turn to. anxiety and depression can make you feel so alone. so lonely, and whenever you try and explain how you feel to someone you feel like you are begging for attention. which isn’t the case.
for myself, attention is the last thing I want, I constantly feel judged, and looked down on, I feel like people talk about me behind my back, and thats really the worst feeling in the world.
Anyway, after her birth, I was monitored and constantly asked how I was feeling and what meds I wanted to go on and what I wanted to do. I opted for the medication again, I was breastfeeding so was unable to go back on the one I was, so I was put on 50g of sertraline, this dosage for me didn’t do anything didn’t even strict the surface, i would panic when I left the house that something was going to go wrong, I remember this one time I left the house to go to b&m it was freezing cold so I placed my 1 month old in her snowsuit, and then in her car seat, the heating in my car was on as well, and when we were about 5 minutes from the shop she just would not stop crying, I remember thinking she’s okay, but reality is she wasn’t, when we pulled up in the car she was sweating so much that her clothes were wet through, in my head I had hurt her I didn’t deserve to be her mother and everyone around me was judging me, I didn’t want to drive home I didn’t want to get out the car and drive around I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted to sit there and hold her and make sure she was okay. I didn’t even go into the store in the end I drove home, and stayed at home and for about a week I didn’t leave the house, I refused to just incase I hurt her again. I would have thoughts not suicidal thoughts but thoughts like if I died tonight no-one would know and my children would be here and wouldn’t be able to do anything, I was then upped to 100g and then offed therapy. I’m doing good at the moment, on occasions I forget to take it, and I feel light headed, I feel sick and all I want to do is sleep, this is when I think to myself, the medication is controlling me controlling how I feel and I feel like a robot. I want to be able to go out and not be on the medication, I want to feel normal. I want my brain not to think at 100 miles per hour about everything that could go wrong and look at the positive side of things. but i’m scared I will never get to this point and I need to know things that I can do to help me.
before I get judged on here my kids are my world, I would do anything for them, I am a good mother and they will always be put first.

I have pretty much rambled in this whole blog post but I needed to get off my chest before my head exploded

until next time

 

 

Evening Routine

Good evening all, this is my typical evening routine that happens during the week.

3pm: I start to get my shoes on and sort out my youngest Maisie, ready to go and collect Chloe from school, the walk to school is about 5 minutes the school day doesn’t finish until quarter past but I like to get there early although saying that they were running late today and didn’t come out until 20 past 3!! so we were standing there for ages!!.
3.50pm: we finally get home after the long wait for Chloe to come out of school and talking to friends and stopping to talk to my partners mum. on this occasion we had to pop to our post office to sort out my daughters passport for Disney, only to be told the form was filled out wrong and we needed to re do it all again, we also popped into costa for a coffee and a sit down to chill, and Chloe told me all about her day at school.

5pm: I’m ready to sort out dinner, and tonight its sausage and mash for the girls and me and my partner are having steak and mash, while I’m sorting out dinner the girls are running wild in the living room and making a massive mess, while the food is cooking I take the time to clean as I cook and sort the washing out and wash any dishes and put anything away. I think this is the main time things actually get done. I also love to watch youtube videos while I’m sorting everything out.

6.15pm: ALAS this is normally the time I bath the girls and get them ready for bed, because they share a room I have to put Maisie down first, I am still breastfeeding Maisie, so while I’m feeding her Chloe spends some time on her iPad, when I come down from getting Maisie to sleep, Chloe then spends sometime downstairs with myself, we normally reading a book from school and looking at letters and sounds that she needs to learn. this is my favourite time of the evening because its just me and her and we get to be together and spend time together without her mouthing off to me and its just nice, she  normally tells me that she is tired and wants to go up to bed. I sometimes do have to tell her its time for bed but on this occasion she actually took herself up.
7.30pm: Chloe goes up to bed and I sort her water bottle out with new water, giver her a kiss and cuddle, and head downstairs to start prepping dinner for me and my other half. I like to get it ready for where he comes home after work, so I double check when that is tonight he was a little earlier and came home at 8. before he came home though I watched an episode of greys anatomy (I have actually watched them all but I’m re watching them) which I’m obsessed with.. as soon as my partner comes though the door the tv is charged to something he wants to watch.
9.30pm: my other half doesn’t live with me so this is the time he normally goes home, we spend the evening just us two catchy up on the day and talking about holidays and what money we need to save. after he goes I lock the house up, get the girls clothes ready for the next day and gp upstairs to start getting ready for bed. I take my make up off, put my hair up, and get into bed, I sort out my diary and find out what I will be doing the next day, and then spend some time going through emails, planning a few games on my phone and going trough social media. this evening I also spent my time writing this blog post.
10.45pm: and now its the end of the blog, I’m ready to go to sleep and dream happy dreams. I’m ready for the next day but also ready to get a good nights sleep which never happens because my youngest wakes up pretty much EVERY night at 4 for a feed (I really need to stop night feeding her).

anyway Goodnight all
until next time

Holly xx

Katie Piper Premium Highchair in Unicorns Review

So I recieved this, the other day, I ordered it on Thursday last week and it came Tuesday, which I think is very quick for Argos. so I guess that’s a plus. I couldn’t find any reviews on the chair which was a bit rubbish but I know the brand mybabiie is a really good brand and £69.99 I had high expectations.

I spent ages trying to see if I could find it for a cheaper price but there wasnt anywhere, so I ended up going with Argos. the description online stated that, its a “fun” highchair, which features 3 recline positions and 6 different Height settings. I was a bit unsure that I would be using the recline positions for because my daughter can sit up on her own, so thats one feature I don’t use, and I don’t really understand how a highchair can be fun, but there we go.

The highchair arrived in a large box, I took everything out of the box and started to assemble it, the instructions are not the most easiest to read, or understand and it took me about 10 mins to figure out what screws needed to go where. however when it was all put together it really did look like a statement peace, more like an ornament than a highchair.

So lets start with the things that I like about this highchair.
-The best thing about it I think is the removable tray and the plastic insert that sits on the tray. the ease of being able to take the insert out and washing it just makes my life so much easier, the fact the tray can be taken off as well helps with the ease of getting my daughter in and out without having to fight with her legs to get in the right place and search for the straps from underneath her, the tray also can hang on the back of the seat legs which is great for storage.

-the 5 point safety harness and padded seat adds comfort and ensures that my daughter is safe and cannot escape the chair like she did with the old one, you can adjust the straps to fit around your baby and also the height

– The 6 height adjustment feature of the chair at first was a bit unsure of, but actually is really handy, as she can sit out my level when I’m on the sofa, which actually is really good, and convenient.

– the operation of the chair in general, the easily placed  handles and leavers to operate the recline, the tray removal and height adjustments are really easy to use and work, and don’t take a great difficultly to work.
– I think we should also take a few minutes to appreciate the fact that its also PINK and has UNICORNS on it, I mean hello, you could ask for something more girly, I love it.
– its easy to pack away, and store it doesn’t take up much room. and the fact you can move the seat up and down, makes getting it into a corner when folded up so good !!

The things I dislike or could be better about the highchair.
– it seems really flimsy, and loose, I mean that could be the fact I had to out it together myself, or it could be the design, I don’t feel like my daughter is going to fall out but when she moves about out does move a rather a lot.
– the opening operation is rather difficult to work, its easy to close it up and pack it away however, opening it up is another sort of problem, I keep thinking its backwards but it can’t be, I have to pull the buttons up, and then kind of kick or push the feet open so that the highchair is actually standing up. which is kind of annoying.
– when I’m trying to move the highchair when its on the lowest start setting, the chair will move up almost like it hasn’t locked into place. again annoying but something I can live with.  – I also don’t understand the purpose or reason for the recline position, it states that it’s meant for 6months plus which means that they should be sitting up and when I have tried my daughter in the chair, she doesn’t like the recliner postion

Overall, the price of the highchair is overpriced, for something that is made by what I thought a good brand and is designed by katie piper, its very average, I think I would be more willing to pay something like £30 for this highchair, (I obviously didn’t) I love the colours and the design, I love the fact its really easy to understand and work, and the fact that it is compact and fits into awkward places is brilliant. but like I said I wouldn’t go out and spend all the money on anything like this again.
I will buy from them in the future however only if its in the sale 

until next time 

Holly xx