Letter to 18 year old me

finally your legal to drink! this year is an important year, you have applied for uni, coventry isn’t it, you get accepted. so don’t panic too much even with the rubbish grades you got.
this year is the year mum and dad get a divorce. it is going to destroy you, and everything you once knew is going to be muddled, mum is going to start dating a guy called James, your going to treat him in the worst way possible, don’t, because in years to come you will relay on him. he’s actually a good person.
its been 7 years since you last saw or spoke to Danny, and he’s going to make another guest appreance in your life, in fact, your going to start dating him. be careful.. he will forever use the fact you were a “bet” against you and by that you were a bet to see how fast he could get into your knickers, yes thats right! you didn’t read that wrong, so whatever you do, don’t give it up easily. be prepared! in June your going to find out your pregnant. now listen carefully, its going to be a shock, its going to change everything that you have planned but you can do this. you are a strong girl a couple of things

1. DO NOT text your mum that you are pregnant while she is away, you will regret it, you will forever ask yourself if she would have taken it better if you had done it face to face
2. mum will say you did it on purpose to get back at her and dad for breaking up, we know you didn’t we know that it just happened, but honestly this baby isn’t a mistake and she will make you who you are

I know you won’t but go to university, you can complete the first half year and then you can take a year out and have the baby and then go back, because if you don’t, well we end up working in Homebase for the next however many years and trust me that isn’t something we want to be doing!

in October, Clinton will pass away, Danny will blame you because you had an argument and he stayed at your house, let him go, let him go and be with his brother, because maybe if you had let him go, then Clinton would have been saved and he would still be here today. if that doesn’t happen if Clinton still passes away, you need to be head strong, you need to look after Danny. you need to be prepared, he will turn to drugs, he will beat himself up day and night and he will push you away. you need to be strong. chances are you will break up because it all becomes too much the late nights out the not knowing when Danny will be home and the lack of help and commitment from him. but be strong, you have to be otherwise you will melt and we don’t need that.

this year will take a battering but next year is a bright one. everything will get better and you will become a better person in the long run. you will go on to have a beautiful health baby girl, called Chloe-mae. she will be tiny and you won’t know what the hell you are doing but you have amazing people around you, she will be your ground and she will be the reason you smile and go on every day, cherish everything and don’t take anything for granted. everyday with her and every day living is a blessing.

just know that no matter what, we are strong amazing hard working, people. we have an amazing family and we are loved!

un till next time

Holly

It’s been a while…

The last time I posted I said I would do a review on skinny coffee… well I can't do a review on something that never showed up, I even complained to the company who said they had sent it and would get back to me and if I didn't receive it on the next few days I would get refunded, it never arrived, so I went to holland and Barrett to buy the 14 day programme or whatever it was, I can't tell you if it worked because I am still breastfeeding my youngest, and after taking the coffee for about a week I noticed a change in her poo, scared me so much I was down a and e making sure I hadn't hurt her in anyway. I complained to the skinny coffee brand, because it does not state "do not take if breastfeeding" although they said it does but I even looked on seveal times it doesn't. So for now I have stopped taking it. I have since started doing meal plans for the week to keep on track and not eat loads, and also been working out when I can including the kids with me, and going on walks with our dog, and just in general getting out the house. I'm yet to see a change but they say it takes about 12 weeks for ourselves to notice a change. I'm not fat but I just don't want my mummy tummy or legs anymore. Let's see how long this lasts.
I have so much to update on and have been writing out future blog ideas that I want to talk about, to be honest this blog is merely here so I can talk about everything on my mind. I have so much going on in my head I need somewhere to vent about it.
Anyway till next time
Holly xx

Two kids is HARD

I’d love to sit here and tell you that having kids in general is a walk in the park… reality is it’s not, its hard work!
I’m a single mum of a 4-year-old Chloe-Mae and a 6 month old Maisie-Rose, at 23 I don’t know what I’m doing with my life the only thing I know is that im a good mum, but god damn its hard. I start asking questions like what is a lie in, and what is a late night because I’m ready for bed by half 8.
You know I used to wear jeans all the time, Now I wear jeans out and when I get home the first thing I do (after making sure the kids are okay) is take them off and put my pjs on; I’m not even joking.
I can’t remember the last time I went for a wee by myself or even a shower, without my 4-year-old coming in and trying the talk to me, or tell me to get off the toilet because she needs to go; and well you can kiss goodbye to baths I mean what are they! Because me having a bath is getting in with a bunch of kids toys trying to switch my brain off but that isn’t happening because I have 20 million jobs I need to do.. 5 minutes later I’m downstairs putting the washing on or making my eldest packed lunch for Pre school.
You can forget being on time as well and them cute handbags that you used to have turn into changing bags full to the brim of everything a 6 month old needs. you need new clothes, why not go shopping and come back with … a whole load of things for the girls and not yourself, because even though you’re treating them it feels like your treating yourself.
I don’t have many mummy friends and most of the time im by myself, with the kids, recently I have been seeing my eldest dad again – Maisie my youngest’s dad isn’t involved in her life – which is or was going good. But I have been on my own for so long its hard to adjust and allow someone back into your life and the kids, and sometimes I just want my own space.
I feel like im driving myself insane. I always get cabin fever and I just need to get out even if it’s for a walk to the shops and back, even though I don’t have the money to spend really.
I love my kids more than anything in the world and the 100% come first, but it is hard, no-one tells you that no-one warns you.
I wasnt ready for my second not at all but when they are here you have no choice but to take care of them and look after the other child at the same time, you can’t turn around and go “nope I’m out” hell I’d love to run away for a few days and sleep the whole time, but I don’t have that option I don’t have someone to look after and care for the kids. I’ve had to grow up but I chose this life I chose to have kids and I do not and will not regret my choice to do so.
I will cry and scream and pull my hair out, shout and stress, welcome to motherhood! But you put your game face on and walk out the door like you know what the hell you’re doing when in reality you havent got a bloody clue.

Holly

xx